Covid-19 has been an interesting and downright hard time in the lives of many and mine included. While I am very thankful to have been in good health and so has my family, I have encountered two very big losses.  Both of my paternal grandparents have passed away and I was not able to attend their funerals. I have not seen them since December 2019, and it has been heavy on me.

A few months ago, I posted to my social media that my grandmother passed in April. She had been in a different nursing home than previously with my grandfather due to having a feeding tube from her health issues from December. I could not see her when I went to Miami in December because her infection could be easily caught, and I had already been dealing with my infection and did not want to risk my health. The last time I saw my grandmother was in July for my cousin’s wedding. I was able to get her dressed and put her make up on for the big event and this is a memory I will cherish forever. I had to put stockings on and shoes and if you know me you know I HATE FEET!! So, this was a true testament to my love! We laughed and I am thankful my aunt tasked me with this. I say all this to say she had been declining but always seemed to get better. She was drinking on her own and was not using the feeding tube, which was a step to get back with my grandfather. My aunt saw her just about every day and had someone with her as well, and then COVID hit. She went from having someone 24-7 to no one.  While she was cognitively ok, most days, I don’t think you can prepare someone for no contact. Miami has been a huge epicenter since the beginning, and it has been a scary thought that something could happen to them or my family down there.

We got a call that she needed to go to the hospital with COVID like symptoms and I thought, here we go. They tested her twice and it was negative. But she had pneumonia and had become septic. We all thought she would pull out of it again but as she got worse hospice was called. The good thing about this is that because she had a negative COVID test and in hospice, one family member was able to come to see her. My aunt and cousin were able to see her in those final moments.

In times like these, you typically lean on family and I come from a very close-knit one. We knew my dad would not be able to go and I knew how hard this was going to be on him not have been there.  With permission from the Catholic Church, my sister was able to ZOOM the funeral for us. I had set it up on my TV for my mom and I. I didn’t think anything about watching my grandmother’s funeral on my TV sitting on my couch- at the moment I was happy I was able to be a part of it. We watched her burial on WhatsApp and seeing my brothers face during this was very hard. I started thinking after this that during funerals you are focused on the casket not others’ faces, and I was staring at the people I loved most head-on. This was a difficult perspective. I also laid on my couch while my daughter was napping to think and process everything. I had just watched her funeral on my TV, which I use to break away from the real world, which I use for entertainment. We have been doing so much from home that I don’t think I have ever been more thankful for funeral homes and churches. I am thankful for these places where we can detach from our safe place and experience them there. (if that makes sense)

60 some days go by and we get a call that again my grandfather was not looking so well. And just a few days later I woke up to a text that he had passed away. This was very hard and honestly, it still is very hard on me. I was closer to my grandfather and all I could think about was my dad. Who again in June could not go to Miami for our safety and his health. He lost both of his parents in a matter of months and could not be there. My grandfather had a long battle with Alzheimer’s and was in a sense no longer suffering. We again set up my TV for the funeral and my dad joined this time. We all got on WhatsApp later and watched the burial but this time I was not only looking at my brother’s face but also my dad. My dad has always hated funerals and handles all this horribly to the point where he avoids it. My dad is always very strong and it’s always hard to see him express anything because he has always seemed like a robot to me. He is the most thoughtful caring person I know because he shows it and does things for you, no questions asked but handling emotions has never been his forte. I will say since my diagnosis he has come a long way.  I also had to see my family not hug or be able to embrace each other during such a sad time due to this virus and fear.

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During this time this also brought up the loss of my maternal grandparents. They passed away within 45 days of each other and that was soul-crushing. The similarities between the two deaths brought up a lot for my family. It also brought up another loss for me. I no longer had grandparents. I loved being a granddaughter and proudly identified as one. Growing up I was able to see them all the time and have beautiful memories. I always called and asked for anything and they would make it happen. My mom’s parents lived in my town for the last few years of their lives, so I was able to spend a lot of time with them and help take care of them. They passed before I had my daughter, but I carry a lot of their memory within my daughter. Her name and nickname come from them. My dads’ parents were able to meet her several times and I am very thankful for that.

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 This just also shows me that when you have been together for over 50-60 years there really is this unspeakable bond. It says something that both my grandparents did not want to be without each other very long.  I just feel so grateful to have seen love and have been loved and embraced by it and it brings me joy and hope for this world. I have been given so many examples of their love and can only hope to pass it on. 

Looking at Miami today in July 2020 there was no way we could have gone with the cases like it is. Ultimately my grandparents would have wanted our health and safety to come first and that’s what I have been telling myself. One of the good things that have come from my social media postings is working with Sorry to Hear That. She saw my post about the loss of my friend earlier this year and I pitched this idea of loss during COVID and how I could share my experience with it. During the course of setting this all up, I lost both of them and was able to share my story this way. It was hard to talk about it but I love sharing my experiences and I think doing this podcast was great. I love the thought behind her mission. Grief is such a funny thing we all have to deal with it, and we all handle in such different ways and that is the beauty of it. Once we think we have a handle on something the things we least expect bring up emotions we thought we had tucked away but realize we did not. I think talking about it is great. Bonding over these experiences reminds us that we have this in common and being heard and understood is a powerful feeling!

-XO,