Since late December, I have been dealing with my throat issues. I had this horrible pain and sore throat feeling. I ended up having this inflamed abscess on my tonsil, so they thought. I ended up in the er, thinking it needed to be drained. When they did a CT scan, they told me it looked like cancer… They have me see an ear, nose, and throat doctor who says I do not fit the criteria for throat cancer.

• 

• 

I see a hematologist who is also an oncologist, she was concerned about possible lymphoma. Since I had a response to the COVID vaccine, she expected me to have enlarged lymph nodes so we had to wait 4-6 weeks after my second dose to get my neck looked at again to decided what to do.

It’s been emotionally draining living with this possibility… That what if, creeps into my mind all the time and I get sad, scared, angry. Knowing that a second scan is needed but not wanting to be done because of how many tests I have had, is frustrating. I am glad they will be deciding if it is medically necessary today.

at my apt, I got asked if I feel anything in my neck. I sat down on the examination table and said” I know this will sound stupid but I have no idea”. I have been so worried about this that I have not allowed my mind to think about it. waiting 6 weeks to have someone look at my neck has been so stressful that the anxiety would have kept me from doing my day-to-day tasks. I told her just that as she touched my neck. she asked what side was the side I was having issues with and then check her laptop for my previous visits notes. when I said left, she dropped that- I wish you wouldn’t have said that side. she said my left side felt “full” I took it to mean swollen? she said it was rather concerning that there was still something there. she called my hematologist and they decided on a PET scan. they also had me repeat labs to look at the white blood count. I am set to have this scan on Friday.

I can’t even lie or sugarcoat my feelings. Fear is what creeps into my mind. Fear of missing more time when what I have already lost. I think of hospital stays, days that my body can’t move past the couch. I think of days when I have to spend time away from my daughter and in a transfusion, appointment knowing that I will be sick for the next few days. Then there is just fear of the inevitable, dying. I know we all die, I know I have had my share of infections and scary moments. The fact that it is something else to add to my list is just depressing and soul-sucking. I spend so much time convincing myself of the good my body does for me. I tell myself every day, “you got this” or “you can do this”. I have always said enough is enough. Why does one person have to go through all this?! I have yet to find the answer to this and don’t think I ever will. I just remind myself that I have this blog. My space to share what my experiences are so people don’t have to go through this alone.

⁃ When I first found out I was getting a PET scan. I messaged a family friend whose daughter has been battling breast cancer. She gave me the breakdown and it just made me feel better. I like knowing what to expect.

Being prepared makes my anxiety much more manageable.

XO,