Oh food!            I feel like everyone has a love hate relationship with food. Especially ones who have been diagnosed with some form of IBD. When I got very ill I went from eating to NO food by mouth for months till my surgery. TPN, Total Parenteral Nutrition, was a lifesaver for me. I was being fed through the IV for 14 hours out of the day. It really helped me with my pain but it unraveled so many other internal issues for me. My GI had suspected before that I suffered from an eating disorder but was unsure because of the poor health I was in or if it was due to the depression I was facing from the drastic changes I had been facing in life as a 17-20 year old.

            While I was on TPN, I did not really crave anything. I had this fear of cheating and the pain coming back. After my surgery, it took my stomach some time to “turn back on”. The doc said that because I was on the TPN my stomach was not functioning and had essentially taken a break from doing its job so I had to wean off the TPN and go back to normal ways of life. I had to learn how eat and drink again. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have to retrain myself to eat …. I have always LOVED food!

            After my surgery I had and still suffer from PTSD. It became apparent to my doctor that food really did affect my Crohns. She also diagnosed me with anorexia because my fear of food was very evident. How could I be so afraid of something I loved?!? How could not be skinny and have this diagnosis? I soon found out that my fear pushes me away from food and this fear is a problem. I still to do this day have to remind myself to eat. I sometimes get so wound up in my pain that I forget to eat and I start shaking or feeling light headed because hours will go by and I will not think about the one thing that causes me pain or fear of feeling it.

            Food is such a social aspect of our culture that it makes it very hard to feel normal. I have lied to myself countless amounts of times in believing that I am okay with how my illness runs this aspect of my life. When asked face to face, ” yeah , I’m great”, or “it has been years, I am so used to this.” In some aspects I am but inside there is so much resentment that I will cheat or try it anyway just to fit in and ultimately spite myself. For a whole TWO seconds I feel normal, just like everyone else, but what does that mean? I am not like everyone else. I am not normal. The weeks of agony are not worth it. Consciously I am aware of this but why in that moment can I not be strong? This has been my current battle is getting back on track.

            I am reading Food Freedom Forever. It is part of the Whole30 way of life. There is a section of the book that talks about Willpower. I realized this morning that my willpower has been spent on graduate school and surviving my day to day tasks. by the time my diet came around it was depleted. They say it takes 60 days to turn something into a good habit. I am taking advantage of not being in grad school for the next 50 days and setting this plan into motion and finally getting back on my healthy lifestyle and start saying no things and building my strength back up. I have no reason to do so because I am on my break and I do want this more than anything. So here is to the next 50 days!

-XO,