5 years ago today I was finally cleared to have my surgery!! This was a huge and scary day for me. I had to sign my life away and be aware that  I might wake up with a colostomy bag and just that uncertainty was very stressful. I had been on TPN for months at this point and had become septic and had been about a month already at Shands trying to treat it but i kept getting worse because my fistula had been leaking into my blood just making everything worse.

I went into the surgery thinking it was only my small intestine that was affected and was only going to take roughly two hours. When i got out i learned the surgery took 6 hours and it was worse then they expected my large intestine had several feet of dead areas and was in worse shape than my small. My surgery was more complex then they had imagined and my family and friends in the waiting room where freaking out that it had taken so long.

When I woke up I had a nurse sitting next to me watching me. The first thing I did was touch my stomach and feel to see if I had a bag or what. I kept asking and the nurse just hit my morphine pump and knocked back to sleep. I woke up in a room  without my family and the pain hit me hard. i dont think anyone ever realizes how much you use your stomach muscles until you have been cut open. and dont think about sneezing….. it hurts me to even think about that …..

I did not have bag but i learned just how sick i was and why my surgery had taken as long as it did.  i was already used to being in the hospital so i was not surprised that i would need to stay longer than I they expected. I remember that day i woke up  and walked because I was so determined to go home and eat food again!

I had this god awful tube down my nose that went into my stomach and was sucking my stomach acid out. this was more painful than i think the actual surgery. I was so uncomfortable but my stomach had not turned back on as quickly as doctors wanted.. because i had been on TPN for so long that is apparently why. The day they PULLED the tube out was the best day of my healing process!! A few days after that I was able to try to eat. I was so scared. I had developed an eating disorder because this fear was that debilitating. I had not missed food. I was actually  able to watch the Food Network and be around food and it not bother me or tempt me. The one thing after 6 months that I had missed was BANANAS!!   I am obsessed with them so that was the 1st thing i ate after 6 months and it was delicious !!!!!

While the last five years has not been easy but it has been nothing compared to what i had faced. it has been a lot about learning my new normal and learning how to listen to by body and give it what needs to be successful in my day to day life.

I am hoping for 5 more years of health and just more strength to learn howto be able to live and help others while I live and share my journey.

 

-XO,