Ever since my diagnosis holidays really have a different meaning to me. I am mostly thankful for what I have been able to achieve and just really reflect on what goals I have set for myself and if I had overcome them. I look at past hospitalizations and overall well being from previous years. I know holidays are a time for happiness and time to spent with family and friend, but I always feel like family always seems to think I am doing so well and that they cannot get over how good I look, and they are so glad I am all better. I put a ton of makeup, make sure I smile, and just nod and say thanks. There is no point in explaining myself over and over again. For my husband’s sake I go the family events and try to hide my overall frustration and anger. The anger is built from all the food I cannot eat in fear of an accident or flare around people who do not know me or understand the severity of my illness. I do not think very many people can understand the level of depression and emptiness one can feel in a room filled with people who are celebrating happiness. When I sit alone the thoughts rush through my mind, I should be happy, I should be putting more of an effort to connect with family, at least I am not in the hospital and that I am just over all down right depressing; no wonder I am sitting alone. I swear if people could hear the convos I have with myself in my head I would be dealing with a totally different kind of diagnosis. It is then I grab my phone and just scroll through Facebook or Instagram and smile and realize I am not alone in these feeling.  Then I do come back to my overall feeling of thankfulness for the community that has been built online from people who suffer like me!

-XO,